Crucial Conversations

When starting to read Crucial conversation tools for talking when stakes are high (Patterson, 2012), there was a quote on the first page of chapter one that had me hooked:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

The reason this hooked me was because it sums up what I've watched in my district for the past eight years. I've been in a teaching position and an admin position during those years and I've heard, and seen, both perspectives. One of the biggest problems many of our teachers say is lack of communication. But, if you ask our administration, they think that the information has been communicated. Sometimes it has, sometimes it has not, and sometimes it has not been communicated in the most effective way. When admin think it has been communicated but the teachers and staff do not, the illusion and the communication are both wrong. I have been grateful to be in the different positions I've had in our district so I can see things from different perspectives. Communication is one of the things that I plan to make sure is effective in my Innovation Plan.

Crucial conversations are those that could have a large impact on your life, not just a regular daily discussion. Crucial conversations will have three major factors: different opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. Learning how to handle crucial conversations are important for a differentiated leader and being a differentiated leader is important for leading change in any organization.

What is a differentiated leader? Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple (2010) explained that being an effective leader is not about skills or techniques but about regulating our own anxiety and emotions. We are all humans and therefore we all have emotions that either directly, or indirectly, affect our conversations. The crucial conversations in Patterson's (2012) book, can help us become a better differentiated leader. There are seven dialogue principls described in the book.

Start With Heart

This principle has you focus on what you really want, but not just for you. You need to think about what you want for yourself and for others in the situation. You will focus on you first because you can't be in a safe and healthy conversation with another when you aren't right first.

Learn to Look

In this principle, you look at your own problems and how you react under stress. You want to also look at how others are reacting as well. You need to stay aware of when a conversation goes from a regular conversation to a crucial one. If you are not watching for that change, you might get caught up in problems based upon how you react to the change. This principle also does a great job of describing how when people feel unsafe they will either become silent or violent, and how to handle those situations.

Make it Safe

For crucial conversations to work, those involved need to feel safe in the conversation. Mutual respect, mutual purpose, and good dialogue are imporant parts of feeling safe.

Master My Stories

Th is principle is all about learning how to control your emotions when you are in a crucial conversation so that you don't let anger or pain dictate your words and actions. We need to notice our behavior, get in touch with our feelings, analyze our stories, and then get back to the facts. This principle also talks about the different types of clever stories that we need to watch for: victim, villain, and helpless.

STATE My Path

Here, we learn how to speak pursuasively in the conversation. STATE stands for:

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for others' paths

• Talk tentatively

• Encourage testing

Explore Others' Paths

Here, we learn about how to convince others by listening to them and their emotions. Listening to others and encouraging them to explore their path will be crucial in a crucial conversation.

Move to Action

Finally, this principle helps us move towards the decision making in the crucial conversation. Patterson (2012) tells us that there are four methods of decision making all with their own involvement, benefits, and commitments. The four methods are command, consult, vote, and consensus. He goes on to help us determine which of the four to use for our particular crucial conversation.

I really liked the examples and the information in Crucial conversation tools for talking when stakes are high (Patterson, 2012) and I plan to keep revisiting this book as I work more on my crucial conversations.

References:

Bardwell, M. (2010, November 10). Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple.

Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew

Patterson, K. (2012). Crucial conversation tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.